


my heart in your flaming hands

by izukillme



Series: Avatar WLW Week 2020 [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Avatar WLW Week 2020, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Maizula - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:22:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26195566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izukillme/pseuds/izukillme
Summary: (When she is ten and Zuko accidentally pushes her into the fountain and she hears Azula laughing, she doesn’t care for her own embarrassment. That laugh has a bit of malice but mostly just childish enjoyment, and Mai just wants to bottle the sound and listen to it forever.When she is ten, Mai realises that not-fear is—dare she say it—love.)or, Mai and Azula throughout the years.
Relationships: Azula & Mai (Avatar), Azula/Mai (Avatar), Mai & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Avatar WLW Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902349
Comments: 14
Kudos: 98





	my heart in your flaming hands

**Author's Note:**

> *throws 2k of angst at you all and runs*

Things are simple with Azula.

The princess is a natural leader and Mai, content in her passivity, is happy to follow. Azula likes the sound of her own voice. Mai never says it out loud, but she likes it too, enough that she can stay silent for hours on end while Azula talks. And Azula has a lot to talk about, so Mai does a lot of listening.

It’s not out of fear. She isn’t scared of Azula the way Ty Lee is, despite knowing that if the princess wanted she could have Mai drawn and quartered for no reason at all. No, fear is when a ceramic vase shatters against the wall above her head and Mai curls up in her hiding spot and tries not to cry too loudly. Fear is when her father leaves and her mother calls out her name in a voice that a mother probably shouldn’t use.

Fear is not what Mai feels when she looks at Azula. It’s something else entirely that burns in her chest when Azula tosses back her head and laughs. When her hair comes loose from the perfect topknot and cascades down her back like a silky black waterfall. More often than not Mai has to force herself into stillness, has to stop herself from reaching out for _just one touch._

“We’re going to stay like this forever and ever! Best friends for all time!” Ty Lee likes to say. Azula will hum in agreement, saying in a softer but still commanding voice, “The three of us will rule the world together.” Mai never adds anything, but she always takes Azula’s hand and squeezes it just a bit. Azula will look at her and smile, a hint of true joy in her bright eyes, and it makes Mai’s heart flutter.

Yes, things are simple with Azula.

* * *

(When she is ten and Zuko accidentally pushes her into the fountain and she hears Azula laughing, she doesn’t care for her own embarrassment. That laugh has a bit of malice but mostly just childish enjoyment, and Mai just wants to bottle the sound and listen to it forever.

When she is ten, Mai realises that not-fear is—dare she say it—love.)

* * *

Leaving for New Ozai is one of the hardest things she’s ever done.

Sure, the Fire Nation is boring and dull. But here at least she can get news about Azula. Here she can see her friend in public, if not in private. Here she’s _close_ to Azula, and there… she just _isn’t._

She goes to New Ozai anyway, without complaint like she’s always done. It’s worse than the Fire Nation, like she’d expected. 

Azula writes. It’s surprising but not unwelcome. Mai writes back with an intensity she hasn’t felt in a while ( _ever_ ). The letters are mundane and simple, but Mai stays up late and retraces each word in the flickering light of a candle anyway until the fine paper is almost too worn to hold without tearing.

It’s not weeks later, though, that Azula’s there again, and suddenly the letters are _nothing_ in the face of the princess’ blinding beauty and the silver tongue that Mai missed a little too much. Azula makes a request that isn’t actually a request, but the answer would’ve been the same anyway.

_Yes. Yes. Yes._

They chase, and they hunt, and they fight. Mai loves it and hates it all at the same time, all for the same reason.

(She loves and hates _Azula_ at the same time, for the same reason.)

Azula on the throne of Ba Sing Se is a sight terrifyingly beautiful. She looks regal and imposing and powerful; Mai can see her years from now, ruling the world with an iron fist, all full lips and lush hair and strength immeasurable. But there is something wrong about it, something warped.

_This is not my Azula._

* * *

She dates Zuko for a while when he returns. There’s no real spark for either of them, but she feels an unexplainable kinship to him; when he leaves, it shatters her hollowing heart in a way she doesn’t quite expect. Even Azula’s hand on her shoulder and the whisper of, “We’ll take him down. I promise you,” feels… empty.

_(because she doesn’t love you like you love her—)_

It sinks in deeper every day. Azula’s words become emptier and emptier, her eyes losing the touch of gentleness they once had. Mai doesn’t know what her friend is anymore, but her traitorous heart still loves Azula more than anything.

Weeks later at the Boiling Rock, it all comes to a head. The smirk on Azula’s face as the line is cut chills Mai’s blood because _that isn’t her._ Mai knows that Azula cares for Zuko somewhere deep down inside—she’d never be able to watch him go to his death so callously. 

_Not Azula, not Azula, not Azula,_ she thinks desperately. Where is the girl that loved through ice? The girl that pretended _caring_ was a _weakness_ even while she daubed healing salve on Mai’s bruises? Where is the girl that Mai fell for?

_Ozai destroyed her. Ozai destroyed her and left a slowly-crumbling wooden doll in her place._

It’s that sudden truth which turns Mai. She moves before she can think, her _shuriken_ slamming guards up against the wall. Darting towards the cable, she removes the blade from the line and cranks it free.

_My Azula is gone. I have nothing left to lose._

Mai is more than ready to accept punishment. It could be death, it could be torture; she’ll take it. She doesn’t care anymore.

_My Azula is gone._

“Why?!” Azula demands, suddenly and harshly.

“You miscalculated,” Mai says coolly. “I love Zuko more than I fear you.”

A lie. If she could speak the truth, she would phrase it as so.

_I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself like this._

* * *

The war’s over and it doesn’t feel real at all. But the Avatar and Zuko are smiling and talking like they’re the best of friends, and the unmistakable crown of flames atop Zuko’s head is an irrefutable confirmation.

_The war is over._

“What about Azula?” she asks Zuko a few months later. He sighs and looks out onto the lawns of the palace.

“She… she grew unstable. I think it started— _after,”_ he says a little shakily. Mai knows exactly what _after_ means and feels guilty despite herself. “In our Agni Kai, she wasn’t herself. She broke down. I put her in a hospital.”

“Oh,” is all Mai says. Zuko looks at her knowingly and a bit sadly and writes something on a paper before stamping it with the Fire Lord’s official seal and giving it to her.

“You can go see her whenever you like, but just… be careful,” he says. Mai dips her chin and leaves the room immediately.

* * *

The paper, it turns out, is a warrant for Mai to be allowed into Azula’s hospital. Mai bites her lower lip the whole trip and tries not to think about the pit in her stomach. Getting out of her carriage, she steps gracefully inside and has to hold back a scream at the interior of the place. It’s nice, friendly even. Tasteful decor and kind-looking workers milling about.

Exactly the kind of thing Azula would hate.

“The princess is in this room,” says a worker nervously, leading Mai to Azula’s door. Mai hesitates for a split second before laying her hand on the knob and twisting it open.

She is not prepared for what she sees inside.

Azula is sitting vacantly on the bed of her room, as passive as Mai’s ever seen her be. Her golden eyes are dull and unfocused, hovering over a spot near Mai’s shoulder. Her chapped lips move soundlessly, whispering prayers that Mai doesn’t know the words to. The silence hanging in the air is as fractured as broken glass—as fractured as Azula’s brittle mind and heart.

(As fractured as their relationship has become.)

“Hey,” Mai says quietly. Azula’s eyes drift and she does not respond.

Mai chances a step forward. No movement, no blue fire jetting toward her.

_Should I risk it?_

She knows the answer. It’s always been the same for Azula.

Mai takes another step, and another, and another. The princess doesn’t move, her eyes hazy as if she’s in a different world. Mai goes all the way up to the edge of Azula’s bed and places her hand on the mattress with a sudden burst of bravery she never thought she’d have.

“Azula,” she says. It’s ash-bitter and fire-hot on her tongue and lies heavily in the unnatural stillness between them.

Azula’s eyes sharpen suddenly, like the sun emerging from behind clouds. It’s a semblance of the same clarity those eyes once held, but it’s better than a blank stare.

“Mai.”

It’s the barest whisper. Mai wouldn’t even have heard it if not for the complete silence around them and the fact that she’s watching Azula’s mouth like a hawk. But all at once it becomes crystal-clear—those words Azula’s lips shaped weren’t words at all, just a ‘word’. Mai’s name, stuck in the princess’ throat and refusing to come out.

“It’s me,” Mai says quietly, gaining the courage to sit down on the edge of the bed. Azula’s expression doesn’t change, but the golden eyes hone in on her a little more. “It’s me.”

“Why?” 

It’s only the single word that comes out, but Mai hears everything Azula doesn’t say. _Why would you betray me, why would you leave, why did you_ **_come back_** _?_ _!_

She doesn’t have an answer to that. (She does and it’s _because I love you and I hate you and I don’t know which one to choose._ ) 

In Mai’s child mind, life was easy. Now, sixteen and jaded, she knows it never was. Mai looks at the girl she loves and hates in equal measure, and wishes with everything in her heart that she could go back to the days when she thought things were simple and the one truth of her universe was _Azula._

**Author's Note:**

> i love them so much  
> comments make a blob happy~  
> hmu on tumblr @izukillme!


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